| And if I bleed, I'll bleed knowing you don't care |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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| Was promised by your face |
[17 Sep 2009|02:03pm] |
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I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static, and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
Even though you're so close to me
You're still so distant, and I can't bring you back
It's true
The way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you
You
Now I see
Keeping everything inside
You
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes
I hit you and you hit me back
We fall to the floor, the rest of the day stands still
Fine line between this and that
When things go wrong I pretend the past isn't real
Now I'm trapped in this memory
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
Even though you're close to me
You're still so distant, and I can't bring you back
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| My principle is to not try but I would do it for you |
[17 Aug 2008|04:24pm] |
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Yakusoku doori janai kedo trust me
Muri wa shinai shugi demo
Kimi to nara shite mite mo ii yo
I wanna be with you now
Futari de distance mitsumete
Ima nara maniau kara
We can start over
Kotoba de tsutaetai
I can't really say what I'm feeling. Thats not uncommon for me though. Last night I discovered that I care. I don't know how else to put it.
It's like all this time I thought I was being strong. I was just ignoring it all. All of it.
And I realized that I can do this alone, but I don't want to. When did I start lying to myself? After all, there is only so much I can do alone. I can only make the effort from my end, the rest is up to you.
How did I come to believe that I don't care?
All I know is that I miss people there shouldn't be a reason to miss.
Let me rephrase that. Why do we miss people we still have the opportunities to talk to? Why don't we keep up with the people we care about? Is it so scary? What's to lose?
Because we lose so much when we waste our chances
It's not as I promised but trust me
My principle is to not try but
I would do it for you
I wanna be with you now
Look at our distance with the two of us
We can still make it
We can start over
I want to tell you with words
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| With things underneath |
[06 Aug 2008|03:20am] |
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So I work at Pier1 and I'm going back to school soon. I live with my very good friend Ashley now. She's the original blonde lesbian. I've had amazing times since we moved in the beginning of June. I've had hard times too, but I'm coming out on top. Who doesn't have rough times? You just have to do what you can, or let your life rot away from you.
*Emotional side*
1.
When you are stressed, what is the first thing you do
Have an almost anxiety attack but fortunately I'm not quite to that level
OR
Ignore it
2.
Does crying really make things better or worse
Sometimes reality doesn't matter because you're still going to feel the way you feel until you do something about the problem. Crying is, however, a temporary relief, and only hurts when it's used to manipulate
3.
Is there anyone you can tell everything too
There are people who know some things that others don't, but sometimes they don't know things others do. Though certainly I do have secrets, even from myself
4.
What calms you down the most
Friends. But they stress me out the most too. When it comes down to it: music
5.
Any kind of music that makes you feel better
Sometimes I want something suitable to my mood to get my emotion out in order to feel better, sometimes I want to be cheered up. Lets definitely mention Utada
6.
Are you generally a happy person
Typically I don't know what kind of person I am. Because that's the kind of person I am
7.
What or who puts the biggest smile on your face
This differs depending on how I feel as well. Probably Utada or Marvel Comics/Movies. Really though, I'm a mood person
8.
Do you ever over-react on the smallest things
What's small to one person can mean the world to someone else
9.
Ever suffer from bad depression or anxiety
I just hate labels because they're terribly easy to become accustomed to, thus we become afraid of the person we may be without them. I used to be clinically depressed. I get anxious more often than depressed now, and sometimes I can't tell how I feel. I feel a lot at once because I think a lot at once... See?
10.
Mad about something
To quote a commercial, myself, and the person that took this before me, "Don't get mad, get Glad!" I agree. I try to not get upset because I get stuck in a rut. But now I figure what the hell, I'll get mad and get over it. Right now I guess I'm mad my shoulders hurt, but that's about it... No, iTunes is being difficult. That's no good....
11.
Happy about something
Oh yes, I made it work and now am listening to The Postal Service while delving into myself for the audience (you)
*Loving side*
1.
Currently with someone
Been a while
2.
Happy about that
No, but it doesn't affect me like it once did
3.
How long now
Well, I dated a guy for like a week during which we were evacuated from Galveston and barely spoke because of a hurricane about three years ago. The time frame for the one before that is a little more complicated
4.
Have you married this person or got engaged
Obviously not. That would be impossible anyway lol. This was the only thing "lol" worthy. I don't like to use "lol" unless I'm texting for some reason
5.
Like to cuddle
Yeah, but I have to be comfortable with the person. I think that's normal though
6.
Do you like sensitivity
I like people to be sensitive toward me. Golden rule. Admittedly I do have a short fuse for people who repeat the circumstance or whatever it is I'm being sensitive toward and want to be able to express themselves to me about it after I've given my advice several times, but I prefer to be sensitive toward people and generally am. I just want people to try to help or stand up for themselves if whatever it may be bothers them so much
7.
Is your partner open about their feelings towards you
If I had one they probably would be. After all, that's an effort I'm striving toward as well
8.
Still in love
In love with the idea? Yes. In love with the person? No. Perhaps now I wouldn't be anyway, but I don't know them anymore. In love with the people we were? Yes
I'll find it one day.
9.
Do looks really matter
Yes, because unfortunately people have been bred for survival of the fittest to judge attractiveness. And if you aren't physically attracted to someone it's simply difficult to be attracted to them. Personality is still more important though. It's true that personality can change how you look at someone
10.
If they don’t like your family or friends, does that really matter
There were points where I didn't like my family so I guess it didn't matter then. Gotta say though, I'm the kind of guy that wants everyone to get along, and around me people usually do
11.
Who starts the most arguments
I don't like to argue but people tell me I do
*Friendly side*
1.
Have besties in your life
Yep
2.
Who are they
Ahem.... Stephanie is like my sister; Mac was my first boyfriend and is like my brother; Kenan's a runner up on that; Ashley's my Original Blonde Lesbian/Roommate; Michelle is me two years (to the day) in the future; Lainey is my rag doll/bear/pterodactyl; Crystal is my Princess Pinnochio; Abby is the other half of my soul, though we rarely speak these days; Heather is another one I unfortunately rarely speak to now, but will forever be in my heart; Alex is my oldest; Lauren is my last girl.... If I've forgotten anyone terribly important, it's because it's three in the morning and I'm tired. I can go on forever really. I love all my friends in a unique and special way.
3.
Do you see them alot
Some I see nearly every day. Some I never see. Some I've never even seen
4.
Do they like the guy/girl you are with
They did
5.
Which one lives the fartherest away
I used to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend/friend flip-flop thing in California. Lauren's in Vegas, Tyler's in Florida, Mariah's in Colorado, Kyle and Sheila are in Oklahoma, Michelle's in Texarkana even... Darcie spent time in the Philippines before lol
6.
Do you get along with everyone
Mostly, unless for some reason they decide they don't want to get along with me. I won't be the one to initiate something though
7.
Are you too nice of a person towards people
I can be, but I can be an ass too
8.
Would you give anything to someone in need of help
Well, sometimes the help someone needs is to be diverted from what they may think is helping them, something or someone they think they need. Or like if someone needed help in the sack... Well I can be an instructor but I've still got standards lol. But seriously, helping others is karma and makes me feel like I've accomplished something. I think that's a large purpose in my life, as well as it should be in everyone's.
9.
Would you consider ever getting a tattoe of your bff on you
Not their picture. Mine are planned already, thanks
10.
What about your partner
Nope
11.
Know anyone two-faced
Harvey Dent
*Physical Side*
1.
Are you a lover or fighter
Lover
2.
Ever been in a fist-fight
Mostly for sport with friends. The one other "fight" I got in was whrn this barred out guy that was like a foot taller than me thought I was hiding from him. I explained to him several times that I wasn't, but he kept forgetting and eventually punched my in the face til I was covered with blood. I laughed and walked back up the street home
3.
Have you been in a abusive relationship
Maybe emotionally, but not one I'm consciously aware of
4.
Are you more to verbally fight or physically fight
Verbally. I believe anything can be settled with words. Violence releases aggression, but makes things worse. Plus, I would really hurt anyone that tried to hurt me in a fair fight
5.
Do you consider yourself in shape
I could be healthier, but I don't have a negative self image
6.
What features do you wish to change
Eh... I've never been fond of body hair lol
7.
Ever have anything from your body removed
Actually when I was born I had something called Pyloric Stenosis - did I spell that right? - which was basically a blockage so I couldn't digest my food. I had surgery to remove that, then it came back and they removed it again. I've removed piercings. I could probably elaborate more but this is not meant to be NC17
*your weird side*
1.
Ever wonder what was on the “other side”
Used to be suicidal, now I'm just curious. Even from a non-religious, scientific POV electromagnetic energy runs our brains. Energy is neither created nor destroyed, therefore that energy has to go somewhere
2.
Believe there is a heaven
Yes. Also in reincarnation. I believe whatever you believe in is more likely to be your fate
3.
Seen UFO’S latley
Nah, they're on the downlow. Too much publicity lately
4.
Wonder if animals can talk
Well actually, has anyone ever heard of a parrot? No, they can't talk in English. I have conversations with my cat all the time though. Do you?
5.
What about the Lock Ness monster
Yes
6.
Can you watch horror movies by yourself in the dark
Yeah but I don't like to
7.
Are your doors always locked at night
Yep
8.
Ever sing in front of the mirror
I sing a lot
9.
Name something you do that you normally won’t admit because it is strange
Well, I'll normally own up to anything if I'm asked. Uh... I generally like my strange attributes like my Marvel nerdiness or my diction. Oh Hahaha. Well, this may be considered an R rating. Advance warning. So, because I can emotionally and/or physically feel in myself what another person feels, I prefer to be the one giving pleasure to others. As a result, I could care less if you touch me. Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration...
10.
Ever believe that there was little green men that take your stuff and hide it while you sleep
I don't know about little green men... I think it's more like house fairies. I call them Brownies
11.
Ever wander if stars are people we lost
Very rarely. I did when I was little
So, to reflect more current states of being we're going to do this again. And it's going to be better. Maybe I'll even do two, since Utada and Evanescence could surely take up one of these on their own. We'll just combine them... I'm really not THAT bored.
Happy- Making Love, Utada
Upset- I Must Be Dreaming, Evanescence
Mellow- So Close, Evanescence
Angry- Lies Remix, Evanescence
Stressed- Heart Station, Utada
Relaxed- Deep River, Utada
Sad-Stay Gold, Utada
Sexy- Drama, Utada
Loved- Simple and Clean, Utada
Lonely- My Immortal, Evanescence
Cheering up- Rainbow Colored Bus, Utada
Spiritual- October, Evanescence
Young- Field Of Innocence, Evanescence
Happy- Your Love, Kylie Minogue
Upset- Lost, Coldplay
Mellow- Fukai Mori, Do As Infinity
Angry- Vitamin R, Chevelle
Stressed- The Words 'Best Friend' Become Redefined, Chiodos
Relaxed- The Nurse Who Loved Me, A Perfect Circle
Sad- Frozen, Madonna
Sexy- Toxic, Britney Spears
Loved- Dreaming Of You, Selena
Lonely- Here With Me, Dido
Cheering up- Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Spiritual- Clark Gable, The Postal Service
Young- Hot, Avril Lavigne
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| I am a natural entertainer |
[18 May 2008|08:42pm] |
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Happy- Your Love, Kylie Minogue
Upset- Kremlin Dusk, Utada Hikaru
Mellow- Diary, Alicia Keys
Angry- King Kill 33°, Marilyn Manson
Stressed- Heresy, Nine Inch Nails
Relaxed- Orestes, A Perfect Circle
Sad- Map of the Problematique, Muse
Sexy- Slept So Long, Jay Gordon from Orgy
Loved- Naked, Avril Lavigne
Lonely- Missing, Evanescence
Cheering up- Wings, Utada Hikaru
Spiritual- Rubeus, Cirque du Soleil
Young- Spice Girls, Too Much
____________
Ok now you do it!
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| Where do we go from here? |
[17 May 2008|10:21pm] |
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I know nothing I can say will heal your pain right now. I think the only thing that can is time, but we hate to hear that. How long will it take? We just have to wait to see, and even though sometimes we may feel like it won't, we have to believe that it will be okay.
So I'll say all that I can to help right now. I love you so much. Don't ever forget that you have people that do. I'm here any time you want to talk, any time you can talk. About anything - big or small, now or then. You may not want or be able to talk about what happened, but I'm always here to disract you, if even for a few minutes. I'm always here to help.
Sometimes the best we can do is simply to do the best we can do and to roll with the tides as they change.
I love you
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| Who needs subjects? |
[26 Apr 2008|12:23pm] |
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I went to the Avril concert last night. Even though I like her far less than I did when she first appeared on the scene she kicks ass live, and she sounds better too. And she's just so cute. Boys Like Girls is also a pretty good band, but I was more entranced sharing flirty eyes with the singer. I like drawing attention to myself sometimes.
So I've lived with my roommate Heather since October, and before that in July when she ditched me to move to San Antonio to get an abortion I was living in the same apartment with her dad. No more. As much as I love her, I can hardly stand her anymore. She's one of those people who can find any reason to not only be irrationally pissed off about nothing, but will scream and wail about it like she's going to die or something. Because of that and her being pregnant again it's only gotten worse. That plus the dog deciding that my room is his bathroom and the apartment being disgusting even after Stephanie and I thoroughly cleaned it one day has led me to the conclusion that I can no longer live there. I was already going to get an apartment with my friend Ashley come June, so now I'm just going to move in with her and her Bob until we can get the apartment. The only reason I didn't move months ago is because I was trying to help support Heather until she got her shit straight and figured out what she's gonna do, even though I know she isn't my responsibility, but at this point I think the only way to motivate her to figure that out is the leave her and make her fall on her own ass, not mine. I could have dealt with it all a little longer, but I don't want to kill the dog and it's not right that when I confront Heather (in both a negative and positive manner) about her own negativity she freaks out and thinks I'm attacking her, further proving my point. So I'm just done. Neither of us should live there, especially since there's (another) mushroom growing, this time on the ceiling right above her bed, which could cause birth defects. Though she isn't sure she'll keep the baby since it's really just stupid for her to try since she can't handle the responsibility or her own emotions. She won't be able to work because she has back problems and now, apparently seizures, and would therefore be unable to live anywhere unless she moves to San Antonio to live with her family, which I suggested she do as soon as she told me she's pregnant. So I don't know what she's gonna do, but in order for her to figure it out apparently I need to leave. Which is totally fine by me.
I work at Pier 1 now. It's pretty cool. That's about it on that subject lol
No boys still. I get a little somethin-somethin very occasionally but definitely nothing in the relationship department. Which is okay because there just aren't any good candidates around.Some sexy time would be nice though. I did a whole bunch of ex over Spring Break (which is not at all common for me) and had a life altering experience. I've shut out my emotions since Tyler moved for fear of feeling nothing but loneliness and depression, but now I'm regaining them. The full range of emotion is scary but definitely preferable to apathy, lethargy, and cynicism. Sarcasm might be one of my personality traits, but wearing my heart on my sleeve was one too, even if it made me a drama queen. Certainly I don't want to act like I did freshman year, but I do want to be able to be honest with myself about my feelings, not only for my own sake but because how else could I be honest with anyone else? And honesty is probably my single biggest virtue, even when it doesn't come wrapped with a bright pink bow. If I can't be honest about my feelings with anyone, including myself, how can I expect anyone to truly be attracted to the whole person that I am? They won't know that person. It's hard to open up like that to anyone for me, especially since the last person I did on a romantic level betrayed my trust multiple times, so I don't know how to change that exactly, but I do know that it starts with me knowing the emotions I have in order to be able to disclose them at all. I often think it would be easier for some high energy, outgoing, extroverted person, which I need to offshoot my laziness, to just come into my life and totally break down all my barriers in that totally inappropriate but effective way. To just ask me all those questions I don't want to answer but will anyway because they just have that way with me. That would be pretty cool. It's unrealistic, but when have I ever been with romance?
So anywho I'm having a Hunterevolution. Basically that includes the whole above paragraph, plus my severely decreased smoking habit, my honesty with my father about him and his side of the family, my increased motivation for school and everything else that requires motivation, keeping in better contact with people I've lost touch with, doing more to keep myself healthy, and being more outgoing and doing more activities. I think that about sums it up.
That's my life for now. Enjoy!
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[22 Jan 2008|07:33pm] |
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I want something
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| *points down* |
[05 Dec 2007|01:34pm] |
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Remember that? That was me being nice.
Fuck that.
Your days, your years, your life is bad when you think it is.
And yes, assholes, I speak from personal experience. I wish somebody would compare the freshman I was in high school and the freshman that I am now. There's a significant difference, and there are things that I am still working on. Self-improvement is possible, being happy is possible, but you have to be willing to try. If you've got enough energy to complain you've got enough to shut the fuck up and do something about it instead.
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| Just wanted to tell everyone |
[29 Nov 2007|11:21am] |
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Cheer up. It's only the end of the world when you make it then end of the world, otherwise it's just called change.
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| Writer's Block: Current Favorites |
[12 Nov 2007|02:00pm] |
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Keyword here is current.
My Human Sexuality book lol
Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D, oh yeah
Unfinished Thought, or the badass CDs that I burned at my friend Ashley's house
God of War 2 because that's what I'm trying to beat
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| Don't you hate it when you write your entry and then the computers die and you lose it all? |
[26 Sep 2007|02:51pm] |
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Well, there is no possible way to rewrite and write what I had already written and intended to write before my next class starts, so I'm not even going to try. Perhaps I'll write it out in the journal I have to keep for my Composition (English/Writing) class and transcribe it onto here later. Then I'll get credit for doing English work too!
The short of it is that I'm doing pretty well. I'm 18 now (I've only been carded twice out of like 5 times, and the first time I was carded wasn't even the first time I bought something); my mom lives in Houston with her boyfriend and still teaches at Dickinson High School; my brother still lives with his dad here in Galveston; I live with my friend Heather's dad in the same apartment complex that I lived in with my mother (more details on this strange development when I have the time; the short version is that Heather and I were supposed to live together and then she moved so I got stuck with her dad, which is TOTALLY not a bad thing); I'm taking 13 hours at Galveston Community College (Composition I aka English; Microcomputer Applications aka computer programs such as Word and Excel; College Algebra; and Human Sexuality); and I work at Van Heusen, which is basically just old people clothes. Khakis, dress shirts, suit pieces, stuff like that. It's been 6 months today I believe and it's changed quite drastically. I may get promoted to manager, which is good in terms of higher pay, but bad in terms of more responsibility and the fact that I've been frustrated with the job since I got it. Love interests? Not really. Interests, yes, but that's really all I consider them since they haven't really progressed farther than interest.
That's probably the best summary so I think I'll leave it at that.
I love you guys and I miss you so much! Hopefully I can reestablish my communication with many of you. That would be splendid
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[29 Oct 2006|09:50am] |
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Should I let you fall
lose it all
So maybe you can remember yourself
can't keep believing, we're only
deceiving ourselves and I'm sick of the lie
and you're too late
Things in Galveston could be going a lot better. I can't say I'm pleased with the situations people have gotten themselves into. I can't say I'm pleased with the situation that puts me in. I can't say I'm sure what to do. I can't say whether I think I should do anything at all. I care more than almost anything about my friends, but sometimes the only way to prove a necessary point, to really help someone, is to go against what would be considered the right thing for a friend to do.
The rest of life in Galveston is mostly just boring, but, of course, the drama will never end here. My grades are doing a lot better this year than they have since I started high school, and especially since coming back to Galveston. Of course, my mother is happy about that, but seems to overlook it because now that I have good grades she's on my ass about getting a job, which I can't do unless she takes me to get it now can I? I tell her to take me, she says when, I say whenever is easiest for you, and then we never go. She's been telling me for months to get one and I've been telling her for months to take me. I've probably even got an assured job at Academy once I go in and talk to the people there, but she and I have somehow managed to combine our procrastination powers to make sure that we never get there. She's supposed to take me today, but we'll see how that goes. Urghhhhh I hate that whole thing.
I also hate that she tries to use the fact that I smoke against me. Since I've started smoking more my grades have improved, I generally function better (anyone who says you can't drive while stoned obviously doesn't know what they're talking about; most of the people that I've seen drive stoned have driven better because they concentrate more on the road), and I'm generally more happy. Is it fake happiness? I don't think so. Even when I'm sober I'm still usually much more of a happy person than I have been in years. Yeah, there are health factors to worry about, I know that. I'm not stupid guys. But people don't understand when I say there really is nothing else to do in Galveston unless you want to visit the tourist attractions or surf or skate, neither of which I can or would like to do. Maybe after I get out of this hellhole I'll have something more constructive to do, or anything else to do really. I don't want to be here stuck doing nothing for the rest of my life, but for right now I don't have much of a choice. And why is it such a big deal if I smoke? No, I really don't understand. What harm is it doing other than the harm to my body? At least I'm not smoking cigarettes anymore. Anyone who says that cigarettes are better to smoke than pot, in my opinion, is not very bright. Cigarettes are more harmful, more addictive, and when it comes down to it at least when you smoke pot you're getting a high out of it. Cigarettes just make you waste your money to get cancer. Weed even tastes better, though I suppose that's a matter of opinion. It's funny that people who have never smoked generally view it as some horrible thing, but how would they know without the experience? Where do those opinions spring from, what the people at school tell you when you're a kid? I'd like to know, somebody enlighten me. Is it because something bad happened to somebody when they were high? Don't put yourself in a bad position with the wrong people and nothing bad will happen. There really is a safe way to smoke, and if you do it you won't ever have to worry about cops or anything else really.
All in all, I'm exhausted by my mom and by the drama that is unescapable, but I've been more content than ever. I'm sick of a few of my friends and I would love to make some new ones. I rarely complain about boys anymore (unless I see a cute one, but could you blame me?) and although I haven't had a boyfriend or anything close to one in a year I'm mostly okay with it. Yeah, I get lonely, who wouldn't? Most people have never understood just how much more difficult it is for me in the romance department. I guess they never will. I'm gay in a town full of closet case preppy boys that I don't talk to because they would never talk to me. It only makes it worse that girls find me so attractive because it only keeps bringing back the what-ifs that I can never change. Girls and boys alike finding me attractive should make things easier for me but it doesn't, it makes it harder because if I'm attractive then shouldn't I have somebody? It really makes you doubt yourself even more. But you know what, I'm okay. One day, probably after I get out of Galveston, I'll find somebody. It's just hard not to have that comfort, not to mention I'm a teenage boy with nobody to even make out with. What is that?
So last Sunday I went to the Evanescence concert with Stephanie. We bought Amy a rose before we left for Houston and her bodygaurd gave it to her. We waited two hours to get in and while we were waiting two of my friends showed up which was cool because I didn't recognize anybody else there. I also bought a shirt for $15 instead of the normal $35 because some guy was selling them before the show. The show was amazing, though I was a little disappointed because they didn't play all that many songs from the new album, but played Going Under, Bring Me To Life, Whisper, Imaginary, and, of course, My Immortal from Fallen. It was still a very good concert, and the opening band, Revelation Theory, was awesome. After the show we were walking outside and a bodyguard told us where to go if we wanted autographs which was only around the corner from where we were. We ended up waiting for about two, maybe two and a half hours, to meet all of the members of Revalation Theory and Evanescence. I got my shirt autographed by the members of Evanescence and even spoke to Amy, which is more of a feat than it sounds like because she actually paid attention to me which she was not doing for anyone else, at least not around our section of the crowd. I was sort of holding my shirt in her face and she asked, "Do you want me to sign this?" and I was like, "Oh, yeah, sorry." Then, while she was busy signing other things I said, "Amy" in a voice that I've never heard come out of my mouth before. She looked up at me and, according to Stephanie, did the face that girls do when they're caught off guard finding someone attractive. I said in that same weird, sincere voice, "You are amazing. I know you already know that, but you are amazing." She smiled, the only smile I saw her crack because she was so tired, and said thanks. It's not much, but for me that was a life changing experience. And you have no idea of the impact that even the idea of Amy Lee finding me attractive has on my self-esteem.
My friend Nina has a baby due on Halloween. We're just waiting for him to pop out. Also, I got Marvel Ultimate Alliance, a video game I've been looking forward to for months. Unfortunately we have to get rid of our dog though because he exceeds the weight limit for our apartments. That makes me sad. But on a happy note, the dog Rachel that I got with Alex, Darcie, and Sheila while visiting our friend Rachel last year just had puppies. I want one, but I don't know what I'd do with it until I move out. I guess we'll see.
I guess that's all. Miss you guys that I don't see. I have a phone now that I'm only supposed to use on the weekends and after nine. The number is 972-977-7931. Call me, but preferably after nine. Bye!
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| And motherfuck me and my forgetfulness |
[10 Sep 2006|01:50pm] |
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My mom got a dog that we are caring for this weekend and if we like him (which we do) we get to keep him. His name is Blackie and he's a black (obviously) Border Collie mix. He's so pretty. He's nine, which makes him chilled out enough for my mom but energetic enough to still play. He's very sweet, so I'm quite sure that we're going to keep him. That's all there.
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[10 Sep 2006|01:16pm] |
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Oh yeah guys, my mom didn't pay the phone bill so if you've been calling that's why it doesn't work. It's the right number. It'll be back on eventually....
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[10 Sep 2006|12:22pm] |
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I hate school THIS much, except actually a whole lot more. I have a shitty schedule with mostly shitty teachers (I like my psychology teacher, he's the only teacher I've actually listened to when I've been told to put my ID on, and a teacher I had from 10th grade) with mostly shitty classmates. I barely know a single person in any of my classes.... Not to mention the school has turned into Nazis. Solid colored polo shirts and solid colored pants are not a bad uniform, but only white undershirts are allowed, and girls can't even wear them in the first place. Then, they don't allow light or faded jeans. WTF? The teachers and administrators themselves didn't even know the proper dress code for the first two weeks. The first day of school I got told the exact opposite thing I was just told right after I turned a corner. And how in the world do they honestly think that they can force all the kids in Ball High to not use profanity? Well, they already failed at that part I suppose. Honestly...
Screw it, I've already complained enough since school's started. I want to go to AIM, a program where, if I go now, I could probably be done with school by the end of the semester. The only issues with this are my transportation there and my psychology class, because it's the only class I give a rat's ass about and if I can't have it and go to AIM then I'll just have to deal with my shitty school for an extra semester.
Life in other aspects is basically unchanged. I'm more energetic and more content since school's started because I sit there all day and do nothing and get to see a lot of the people I missed over the summer. I'm trying to make some new friends and get closer to some that I already have because I've grown to realize that even though I love the friends I have now they aren't helping me do anything with my life or my days except get stoned. That's all fine and dandy, but I'm bored of boredom.
I'm going to see Evanescence in concert again on October 22. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get to see Muse in eight days. I'm very excited because unlike most kids now, I don't get to go to shows and concerts every other weekend. Stephanie just squeezed the shit out of me. Freaking Muse.
Still single, still looking. I'm getting really tired of not getting anywhere, though, so I think I may just stop with trying for a while and see what comes to me.
To conclude, I'm improving my life instead of whining about it. And guess what guys, I actually wrote a paper I had for homework. I don't remember the last time I did that. It was badass too. Yay.
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[03 Aug 2006|07:28pm] |
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It would be really nice if the rest of my summer was really nice.
I like people. People should see me more. I should see them. They make my days nice. And it's nice to have a really nice day every once in a while.
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| I have pretty fingernails |
[22 Jul 2006|09:02pm] |
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I want to apologize for my previous post. I was PMSing I think. But I wasn't lying. The anger is gone though, so that's good. It's very uncommon for me to be angry, especially for no reason.
No one is happy who does not think himself so.
I think I should take that into consideration, no?
I'm going to Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight. I look forward to it. And that makes me kind of happy and kind of sad. I haven't really looked forward to anything in a long time.
How do you fight off loneliness? I've been single for nearly a year now, and the relationship with Gilbert could have turned out well, but it didn't. I barely even count that relationship, because in my opinion it wasn't real. Before that, Tyler certainly didn't help. I tell myself all the time to just get over it, to move on. I don't need a guy to make me happy. I don't have to be lonely just because I'm alone.
I thought if you told yourself something long enough that over time you believe it.
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| (409)740-1216 |
[15 Jul 2006|12:20am] |
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mood |
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Wanna talk to me? Call it. I probably won't answer. I'm never at home. But if I recognize the number, I'll probably call you back. If I don't, call me back again. But please, not in five minute intervals. If I'm there and I want to talk to you I'll answer the first time, otherwise I'm not there or I don't want to talk to you. Generally, like I said, though, I'm usually not there. So if I don't answer, don't be offended. Or do. I don't care.
Forgive my indifference, I'm feeling a bit... indifferent today.
I'm a liar. I feel indifferent most days, although I've been mostly angry lately. Or sad. I don't know why. I think it's the summer. Maybe summers do that to me... Maybe I'm making excuses. *shrug* Frankly I almost don't care about anything anymore. But I care just enough so that it bothers me that I feel that way.
But... that's about it.
Oh, and I'm lonelier than before. But, of course, most people wouldn't know that by looking at me. Because I'm a good liar.
I AM - complicated
I want - to never want anything ever again
I wish - my life was a fairy tale
I hate - a lot
I miss - him
I fear - being afraid
I hear - the undertow
I wonder - when will I start living
I regret - not saying what I really want to
I am not - real
I dance - only when I think no one's looking (or when there's a good rap or techno song on)
I sing - so that no one hears me
I cry - almost every day, at least once
I am not always - honest, but only because no one asks
I make with my hands - bowls full of pot, that's about it
I write - very little now, because I only write to try to erase
I confuse - myself, and a lot of other people
I need - to figure things out
I should - try
I start - slowly, I procrastinate, because I am afraid
I finish - I think I did that a few years ago
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| Hey guys. Been a while, hasn't it? |
[03 Jun 2006|11:42am] |
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mood |
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So by June 19(I think) I'm going to move into the Seasons here in Galveston. I'm going to have a different phone number but I can't remember what it is right now since my mom has only told me once. I'll get it to you eventually.
In nine days I turn seventeen. Happy early birthday to us Michelle(I miss you a lot). I have nothing planned though... *sigh* I wonder what I'll do.
My back hurts a lot worse. Oh well. It happens.
It's difficult for me to actually think of anything interesting to tell everyone. Well, anything important anyway. I've realized that I only use this now to tell everyone I don't get to talk to what's going on in my life. When I move I'll have DSL though, and I asked Mac to fix my computer for a birthday present. It needs it bad.
Still no boy. It's almost been a year *sigh* Whatever. I think I'll grow a vagina and be asexual. I'll make it work. Apparently that's all I can do right now.
I like lesbians. They don't make me envious ^_^
Well, unfortunately I'm unable to think of anything else important to say. And I hurt. SO I think I'm going to lay down.
I love and miss you guys a lot. You have no idea.
P.S. KingdomHearts2 is fucking cool. And anyone who cares already knows that, but still... And I like the song a LOT.
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siritalis's journal
